My Untold Story
How do I begin to put into words the years of struggle and shame that have held me back like chains around my heart? There is no easy place to begin.
I started masturbating before I even knew there was a name for it. I’m not exactly sure now how I even got started or exactly how old I was, but I know I was still in grade school. I can tell you that at first it was unintentional. However, I quickly discovered that there were certain things I could do that for a moment would make me feel “good.” (Proverbs 20:17) Just as quickly, I discovered that afterward it felt very wrong, but I didn’t want to admit that. For a while I tried to reason that surely what I was doing wasn’t wrong. After all, it wasn’t hurting anyone. But a nagging doubt kept haunting me. Then I began to be afraid that God would punish me. I remember thinking that probably the worst punishment would be having to tell someone, and so I prayed that God would not make me tell anyone ever. In any case, it was just between Him and me.
I also prayed that He would simply take the whole problem away. But He didn’t. The temptations continued to come. I wanted to resist. I hated the way I felt after giving in. I didn’t understand why I should have to deal with this. I was angry. What more could I do?
A pattern began to develop. The temptation would come. I would sometimes try to resist but would most often end up giving in. Afterward, I would be angry - first at myself, then at God. Then I would feel so hopeless and guilty, and I would beg God to forgive me, and help me never do it again. Then I would live with the buried fears that God would no longer forgive me and that I would fail him again. Then it would all start over.
As I grew older the temptation to masturbate came less often, and there were even times when I successfully resisted, but still not always. Through all of this, God continued to train me and challenge me in other areas of my life. I wanted to obey Him. Always, though, I lived with the fear of failing again, and every time I failed, I would hope and pray that would be the last time. The thought of telling anyone my struggle was mortifying. I couldn’t even voice it or put it on paper. I hated myself for it. What would others think - my family, my friends, my future husband? I could imagine. I could almost see the disgust written on their faces, and I would have rather died.
Through college, God continued to shape and grow me, and I began to sense that He might be calling me to share my struggle with someone. Still, I resisted. I thought maybe I had gotten over it anyway, because I was hardly ever tempted anymore. Then I would fail again. My senior year of college, I came very close to telling someone on more than one occasion, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually do it. However, it was during my senior year that I became more acquainted with Pure Heart Ministries.
After I graduated from college and was living by myself, I failed one more time. Fed up and knowing that I needed to tell someone, I prayed to God for courage and strength and called Pure Heart for Her.
Telling my new accountability partner was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. In fact, it was only God giving me the words and forcing them from my mouth that got me to do it. Now, I realize it was not because He wanted to punish me but because He wanted to free me. James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” I had heard the two parts of that verse before but not realized how they worked together. I needed someone else to fight for me in prayer.
I wish I could tell you that is the end of my story, but I can’t. I don’t know the rest of the story. I’ve been involved with Pure Heart for Her for not quite a year now, and I am so thankful to God for how He has used my accountability partner to take me one more step closer to the freedom that He has for me. God just keeps purifying my heart.
To be very honest, my struggle lately has not been with masturbation but rather fear: the fear of returning to my past sin and the fear that when people find out, they will think that my life up to this point was all a charade. Let me tell you, the devil can lie loudly. Even as I write this, he screams that I’m not really free nor will I ever be. He screams that I may fail again even today. He screams that maybe I was living a lie. It is hard not to listen to his persistent and not-so-subtle suggestions, but I know that God’s word is truth. “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed,” John 8:36. Romans 6:18, “You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.” Romans 8:15-16, “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.” 2 Corinthians 3:17, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” Romans 8:33-34,37, “Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died - more that that, who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”
Sharing this part of my testimony may very well be the hardest, most scary thing I’ve ever done. I wish that none of you knew me so that I don’t have to wonder what you are thinking about me the next time you see me after reading this. But maybe you do know me... maybe I’m your neighbor down the street... maybe I’m that girl you sat next to at church two weeks ago... maybe I’m your co-worker...maybe I’m your best friend...it shouldn’t matter...I know (only because I know His word is true) that God has forgiven me. I am now going through the long process of learning to live like I really believe in His forgiveness, and to not allow my fear to control me. Somehow, in telling my untold story, God is setting me free - freer than I’ve ever been - free to be a pure heart.