| Trapped in a never ending battle for my life |
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| Wednesday, 04 June 2008 10:48 |
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Weightlessness. Burden less. Freedom. Forgiven. I didn’t know what any of these felt like. I had not experienced them. Nothing is better than having the feeling of being let go. My life was full of constant thoughts, actions, and feelings of helplessness, low self image, hypocrisy and hate. Hate of myself and what I was doing, thinking, feeling. It was as if I was swimming and my limbs were getting tangled in the weeds under the surface and every time I moved or struggled I would get more tangled and they would pull me farther and farther under the water until I couldn’t breathe. I was there helpless seeing the light above the water and reaching for it. Reaching for just one part of my body to feel the oxygen so I could at least hope for survival, but never being able to make it. I was trapped. Trapped in a never ending battle for my life and every time I lost, I would be brought back to life only to live out the same battle again, and loose just as I had before. Nothing was different, until someone cared enough to tell me they were there, and standing in the gap so that I didn’t have to be in my battle alone. Granted I knew I had God on my side, but when you are so deep as I was, you feel like you aren’t worthy to even call His name for help. I mean what gave me the right to call on His name when all I was doing was slapping Him in the face? That is the great thing about our Savior. He loves us where we are, and is willing to go to the depths of our shame to help lift us out and back into His arms. For me PureHeart Ministries was what He used to lift me up so that I could return the hug He had so longed to give me. Going into a relationship where the tough questions are asked and the love and care I received from those involved even after they truly knew me for who I really was and not who I was trying to make others believe was the real me. God gave me a gift, and that gift was the friendships, love, accountability, and guidance I received through PHM. Through PHM I am able to feel like I can once again consider myself a child of God, and that is a really good feeling. Thanks to all who prayed, gave time and energy, and who loved me enough to see me come out victorious. Thank you God for putting PHM into place for my last year of college, it has helped make the transition from college to “adulthood” that much easier. Thanks Steve!!! I love you man! |
